Did you know that “holding someone in your regard” or “being held in regard” are ways in which people achieve connection with each other?
In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs regard or self-esteem is a “step up” from love and belongingness, although it might seem difficult to imagine a form of relating that is “higher” than love! But we will come to see that an attitude and the feelings of regard for oneself and for others are in fact the key to happy and successful personal relationships, the key to finding a love that lasts, the key to successful business functioning and the key to mature, facilitative interactions, with strangers, family, business and nations.
In the search for connection, some people become sex addicts – finding only proximity instead of connection. Some people spend large amounts of money on therapy, trying to discover why they cannot find the man or the woman – moving only from one tentative relationship to another, or one affair to another. Some people accept laziness and disrespect from employees. Some people endure thoughtlessness from family members, while some people humiliate themselves and find themselves being humiliated by others again and again in their attempts to belong, to connect and to be accepted.
When we like someone or love someone we experience a feeling of affection, which can include attachment. These emotions also represent kindness and compassion, which in turn lead to actions towards others or oneself based on affection or compassion. But regard is different. You do not have to like or love someone in order to show or receive regard. You do not have to act or speak affectionately. For example, you might not like someone but, you can speak to them politely or cordially with respect. No doubt, there are one or two people you can think of right now that you don’t particularly like, that you would prefer not to meet up with even accidentally. You’d prefer not to have to exchange any words with them. Imagine how freeing it would be to be able to greet them politely, make a couple of pleasant comments and then move on with your self-regard intact!
What is regard?
Of course, we all have some sense of what regard is, what holding ourselves or others in regard is, but if you’re anything like me you might find yourself at such moments questioning, “Well, what exactly is regard?” Regard includes self-respect and respect for others but how do you or other people “live” it? What does regard look and feel like? How does it express itself in thoughts, attitude and behaviour?
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1. Regard is to “take into account”
Taking into account means to remember to consider someone or something and to consider something to be an important factor in some decision and to include it if necessary. For example, if elderly people are attending a function, to consider that they usually find it difficult to climb up stairs. Or in a business setting, to consider that the completion of a particular report and finishing it on time would be necessary to get the business account and the client. It is to think about something or someone when you are making a decision or a judgement.
Here is an example of taking into account the differences between people. I know of a young girl who was born albino. Her mother refused to accept her daughter at first sending the nurse with the new-born infant away with the words, “That’s not my daughter. She’s white. My daughter is black.” But then her mother’s attending doctor explained albinism to her so that she understood what it is. Before her daughter’s first day at school, her mother took into account that most children in the class would not understand albinism and that bar having a different colour skin, her daughter was the same as all the other children in the class. Accordingly her mother arranged with the headmistress of her school that she would to address the room of children on the first day. She explained albinism (and to took questions) so that the children would know why her daughter was white instead of black. Twelve years later this same young girl is now 18 years old and in her final year of school and is one of the most balanced people I know. She owes this in great part to her mother’s considerate and mindful approach where she took into account both her daughter’s needs for acceptance at school and the needs of her peers, to understand albinism, and spoke up.
In your life:
• Do you remember an instance when you and your specific needs or talents were considered important and were taken into account?
• Do you remember an instance when someone thought of you or your specific needs or wishes when a decision was made that affected you?
• Do you recall an instance when something that was important to you was ignored in some decision that affected you?
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2. Regard is careful thought or attention – being thoughtful. Regard means making the mental effort to understand a situation or a person and giving careful thought before making a decision or issuing an invitation.
Lack of regard is when we or others proceed automatically, without conscious thought or intention
Although we make decisions and choices every day, many of these are practical and merely involve gathering information, examining pros and cons and selecting the best option. But sometimes our decisions may have consequences that can affect others or ourselves for a lifetime. Even when decisions are not life-changing there are instances when we need to consider carefully and to think about the impact of the decision on others.
For example, when a relationship goes through a rough patch or has ended… It often happens that on reconciling both or one of the partners assumes that they can go back to “how it was” before the break-up and that “everything will be OK again”. This is an example of failing to make the mental effort to understand the situation. If they give the situation some careful thought they will realize that the relationship can never be the same again. This is because the attitudes and beliefs that the couple held that led to the rough patch or the break-up of the relationship will simply lead to it ending again. As Einstein said, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them”.
If the couple is considering reconciliation, careful thought about attitudes and behaviours in their way of relating need to be considered and addressed. Understanding what lead to the breakup is needed. For example, was one of the partners always controlling? Then, the “controlling” partner may need to consider that other people are different and that other people may do things differently with equal validity. And the “controlled” partner may need to learn to participate in decisions and not unthinkingly leave everything to the “other” as a child would or, may need to learn how to communicate effectively and become more assertive.
In your life:
• Do you remember an instance when someone considered your situation carefully and as a result, made a decision that helped you to take your next step? For example, perhaps a disadvantaged background meant that your grades weren’t as high as those of more privileged children but you were never the less accepted by the college you applied to because additional interviews suggested that you could.
• Do you recall an instance when somebody offered to help you but then simply forgot?
• Do you recall a situation where someone did not make the effort to cater for your needs because they assumed that everyone was the same as they are? For example, perhaps you were a sensitive child but your parents were practical and did not notice your creativeness, your sensitivity and your need to imagine and dream?
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3. Regard means forethought so that one can plan. Regard is when we carefully examine our own thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Jean’s job requires that she manages a group of people who are responsible for various projects. Over the years one or two of the staff would invariably allow their personal problems to interfere with the job, becoming slack, gradually ignoring company rules and adopting a passive –aggressive attitude towards her. Although jean is a strong, capable leader she is also a compassionate person by nature. But she becomes irritable and aggressive when a staff member begins to cross boundaries, allowing personal problems to affect business projects. She becomes harsh and detached as a means of making sure that the job is done.
Lately, this has been happening with Jack who has worked in the company for a few years. Jack has some personal problems and they’ve been affecting his work for a while now. Jean has tried talking to him, making suggestions but things are not improving. In fact, Jack is becoming resentful – making Jean feel that she is the problem. As always happens in these situations Jean has become increasingly irritated with him. She has lost all interest in his problems. She feels disconnected and all signs of compassion have gone. The result is that she has disconnected with her own value system, which is to empathize with others who have problems. Sometimes she drinks a little too much alcohol because of an empty kind of feeling when she disconnects like this.
In the current dynamic with Jack, she has lost her connection with the compassionate part of herself, she has lost her connection to Jack (as a result of feeling detachment and irritation with him), and Jack has lost his connection to Jean as a result of resentment towards Jean.
How does this relate to regard – to esteem and respect?
By slacking on the project Jack has shown no regard to Jean or the company or the client. Jack has not take into account that if personal problems affect his job, he might need to get some help such as counseling. By allowing Jack’s thoughtless behaviour to irritate her and cause her to detach from her natural function of compassion, Jean is not regarding herself. Jean’s harshness and detachment towards Jack mean that she in turn shows no regard towards Jack.
How does one go about changing this sort of situation? As usual, you start with yourself.
Jean needs to regard herself sufficiently so that she does not allow the thoughtlessness and lack of effort of staff members to disconnect her from an essential part of her self (i.e. from her feelings of humaneness & compassion). She needs to carefully examine her own thoughts, feelings and ideas. But regard and self-esteem are not wishy-washy qualities. When you think carefully about what to do with a situation, you do not have to be “nice.” In Jean’s case if humaneness and compassion are important to her, she can address Jack and the situation with respect. She could advise him that while she feels compassion for his personal situation, it cannot be allowed to affect his work. She could suggest he go for help or offer a couple of other options. She could also ask him to suggest a couple of options.
Jack will in turn be forced to think about and adopt an attitude that takes his job requirements and his company (and thus Jean) into account. He might even need to consider finding a less demanding job. Jean will be able to remain connected to her self and her value system.
In your life:
• Are there people or situations that disconnect you from your value system? If so, which of your values are you disconnected from?
• If you think about Jean’s story, what might it be that you need to think about and then have a conversation about?
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Leslie Zimmermann is a Jungian Analyst trained in the philosophy and psychology of C.G. Jung in Zurich and is based in Johannesburg. She offers a range of services, which she integrates, to meet the needs and aspirations of people. In a word, her work is in the service of wholeness. Wholeness includes both our vulnerabilities and our strengths, becoming conscious of our own unique mix of these, honoring our own unique way of functioning and with this knowledge and confidence, contributing as only we each can in our own way, to this evolving world we find ourselves to be a part of.
Besides having a Diplomate qualification in Analytical psychology, which qualifies me to write about the theory and practice of dream interpretation, I also have an Honours degree in Applied Psychology and a Masters degree in Research psychology, which qualify me to write about theories of human development, personality, abnormal psychology, social psychology, sociology and ethics. Also, theories and knowledge pertaining to sleep and dreams from a perspective of neuropsychological and biological systems.
Leslie specializes in Analytical Psychology, Voice Dialogue, Life Coaching solutions for business executives. Consulting and coaching for family owned and home-based business
For an appointment Leslie Zimmermann can be contacted on:
Email: leslie.zimmermann@gmail.com
Mobile: +27 (0)83 384 9812
Member: SAPC (South African Psychoanalytic Confederation); AGAP (Association of Graduate Analytical Psychologists, Switzerland); SAAJA (Southern African Association of Jungian Analysts); IAAP (International Association for Analytical Psychology)